Christmas Fighting Championships Open-Weight Tournament Play-By-Play
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Jesus comes out wearing a humble hemp robe and sandals.
Santa comes out with a myriad of animated toys, elves, and music.
Santa looks like a tank. He rubs his belly at the bell and comes out with his hands high. He immediately finds his range and starts throwing serious bombs. Jesus is already in trouble, unable to absorb the sheer weight and power behind the punches. Santa now has him up against the fence. Referee Herb Dean is yelling for Jesus to ‘fight back!’. Jesus responds with a courageous flurry, but opens himself to a heavy right cross that drops him to the canvas. Santa goes in for the finish, throwing huge shots to Jesus’s head. Herb Dean is about to stop the fight when Jesus suddenly yells “Water into wine!!”. There is a flash of light, and Santa instantly becomes ridiculously drunk, having every molecule of H20 in his body turned into alcoholic beverage. His face swells up even redder than it already is. He falls down, and rants incoherently, vomiting on the canvas.
Official result: Jesus wins via extreme alcohol intoxication
Quarterfinal Match #2: Sam Walton vs. Siberian Amanita Muscaria Mushroom Shaman
Sam Walton comes out sitting in a polar-bear-skin sofa on a platform being carried by small Chinese women in WALMART-branded blue jumpsuits.
The Siberian Shaman comes out dressed in traditional red and white garments, accompanied by reindeer and sleighs with evergreen trees full of hanging/drying Amanita Muscaria hallucinogenic mushrooms.
Sam Walton is vicious, and comes out hissing and clawing with evil intentions. The Siberian Shaman smiles and disappears as soon as Sam Walton gets in range, re-appearing on the other side of the ring. This only seems to make Sam Walton madder, as he charges in again for another attack. The Siberian Shaman smiles again, and produces a psychedelic effect that turns Sam Walton’s hands into plants and flowers. Sam Walton is clearly flustered, as several animal-spirit entities suddenly appear all over Sam Walton’s body. They seem to be attempting to put a green sparking light into the black void of Sam Walton’s soul. Sam Walton writhes in pain, resisting as the round comes to a close.
Garrett Christian scores the round 10-9 Siberian Shaman
Fraser Ross scores the round 10-9 Siberian Shaman
Ramzi Almobayyed scores the round 10-8 Siberian Shaman
Sam Walton comes out wielding a chainsaw. Referee Big John McCarthy immediately pauses the bout, reminding Walton’s corner firmly of the ‘No weapons’ rule. Out of nowhere, a team of high-priced lawyers appear with a stack of legal papers explaining why Sam Walton is apparently exempt from this rule, and threatens a multi-billion dollar lawsuit if the CFC denies him his rights. Big John caves in and restarts the bout. Sam Walton revs up the chainsaw and begins to stalk down the Siberian Shaman. There is a flash of light, and the chainsaw turns into snakes. Sam Walton drops them, and returns to his corner for a shiny new golf club. The Siberian Shaman attempts another spell, but is too slow. Sam Walton lands a clean shot with the golf club to the Siberian Shaman’s ribs. The Siberian Shaman covers up, clearly hurt. Sam Walton yells ‘FORE!” and laughs as he lines up his drive. He blasts the Siberian Shaman in the side of the head, cracking his skull. The Siberian Shaman goes down hard, and Big John McCarthy stops the fight immediately.
Official result: Sam Walton wins by brutal KO (golf club)
Quarterfinal Match #3: Pope Benedict vs. Mithras, the Pagan God of Winter Solstice
Mithras comes out with a group of Pagan Druids, holding signs that read: ‘Dec 25 = Winter Solstice!’, and ‘Constantine Stole Our Holiday!’, etc. A large number of Catholics in the crowd begin pelting them with stones. Several of them hit Mithras, and he is already bleeding before he even gets the ring.
Pope Benedict comes out wearing extravagant multi-million-dollar garments covered in diamonds and gold. He is flanked by a choir of young altar boys. Something about it doesn’t look quite right.
Mithras is already seriously wounded by the stoning during his walkout. Referee Steve Mazzagatti halts the bout before it even begins and calls for a doctor check. The Doctor gives the OK for Mithras to fight, and the match resumes. Mithras is showing some impressive footwork, but Pope Benedict just kicks him in the balls with his creepy pointed shoes. Steve Mazzagatti warns Pope Benedict, as Mithras rolls around on the canvas. “We had this fight before…”, the Pope says to Mithras, standing over him. “And you lost!!” Pope Benedict then unleashes Sith Force Lightning out of his fingertips and laughs uncontrollably as Mithras is tortured and burned to a crisp.
Official Result: Pope Benedict by death (Force lightning)
Quarterfinal Match #4: Sinterklaas vs. The Abominable Snowman
Sinterklaas comes out on his white horse with his helper Black Peter and several happy looking children wearing wooden shoes and eating disgusting black candy.
The Abominable Snowman comes out naked.
The crowd gasps at Sinterklaas’s frailty. He is but a withered old man. The Abominable Snowman has no trouble tearing him limb from limb and devouring him on the spot. It is not even a contest.
Official result: Abominable Snowman by sheer carnivorous superiority
Sam Walton comes out wielding his lucky golf club. Jesus runs around frantically, trying to avoid it. A few shots land on Jesus’s legs, and they start to welt up. Sam Walton however is getting sloppy with his swings, and Jesus is beginning to find a rhythm, counter-punching effectively. The crowd cheers wildly with every hit Jesus lands, and his confidence begins to rise. A few more jabs land. Sam Walton is missing almost every swing of his golf club, getting frustrated. Jesus manages to grab the golf club, and they both grip it, staring into each other’s eyes. A horde of Lawyers suddenly mob the ring, stating that it is against the rules for Jesus to use or even touch a weapon. The bell sounds, and a near melee erupts in the center of the ring.
Garrett Christian scores the round 10-9 Jesus
Fraser Ross scores the round 10-9 Jesus
Ramzi Almobayyed scores the round 10-9 Jesus
Sam Walton has upgraded his golf club to an electric weed-whacker. Jesus has a harder time avoiding it, as the lawn trimming machine whips and tears painfully into Jesus’s flesh, opening several thin gashes on his arms and legs. The weed-whacker catches Jesus across the eyes. Sam Walton thinks Jesus is hurt, and sadistically leans in to taunt him. Jesus takes advantage of the mistake and lands a huge uppercut, backing Sam Walton up. Jesus goes on the offensive, throwing rights and lefts. Sam Walton’s can’t get the weed-whacker to work, and is in danger. Jesus backs him up into Walton’s corner, where his lawyers hand him a shiny new black loaded handgun. Sam Walton shoots Jesus in the side. Sam Walton aims to shoot again, this time in the head, but Jesus explodes in a fit of rage. He clinches with Sam Walton, and locks in a standing kimura which wrenches the gun out of Sam Walton’s hands. Jesus kicks the gun away. Now we have a fight. Jesus unleashes a barrage of strikes. Sam Walton returns fire, but is no match. Jesus gets a thai-plum and starts unloading knees to Sam Walton’s face. Sam Walton drops. Jesus grabs the fence and rains down PRIDE-style stomps onto the fallen Sam Walton. The crowd is going bananas. Referee Mario Yamasake warns Jesus to stop grabbing the fence, but Sam Walton is already out as the bell rings.
Official result: Jesus by KO (stomps)
Semifinal Match #2: Pope Benedict vs. The Abominable Snowman
Pope Benedict takes no chances, and immediately unleashes his Force-Lightning onto the Snowman. The Abominable Snowman tries to move forward but is resisted by the lightning. Pope Benedict intensifies it, but the Abominable Snowman shows a lot of heart, continuing to inch forward, taking every volt. Eventually the Abominable Snowman gets within range and grabs Pope Benedict’s arm. Pope Benedict yanks his arm free, but the Snowman’s claws have opened a gash in Pope Benedict’s skin. Yet it is not blood – instead a strange sort of black liquid oozes from the wound. Pope Benedict tries desperately to hide it from the crowd, but the cat is out of the bag. And as the Abominable Snowman comes in for another attack, Pope Benedict grows fangs, a scaly tail, and huge black wings, transforming into some sort of horrific black dragon-creature. The 2 great beasts battle viciously, biting and clawing, the dragon breathing fire when he can.
Garrett Christian scores the round 10-9 Abominable Snowman
Fraser Ross scores the round 10-9 Pope Benedict
Ramzi Almobayyed scores the round 10-9 Abominable Snowman
Pope Benedict is still in Dragon-mode. He quickly closes the distance and takes the fight to the ground. Pope Benedict works to half-guard on the Snowman’s left side and the Snowman shrimps to defend and stand. Just as he does, Pope Benedict drags him back down with his tail now wrapping frighteningly around the Snowman’s neck. The Snowman scrambles. Pope Benedict grabs a front headlock and throws knees to the head as the Snowman stands back up. A couple of clean shots get through before the Snowman drives forward on a takedown, only to be stifled and mounted by Pope Benedict. It’s a bad situation for the Snowman as Pope Benedict picks his shots from the top, and tries to bite the Snowman’s neck. Pope Benedict however is too reckless, and the Snowman squirms out and gets to his feet, much to the delight of the crowd. A huge overhand right lands for the Snowman, wobbling Pope Benedict at the bell.
Garrett Christian scores the round 10-9 Pope Benedict
Fraser Ross scores the round 10-8 Pope Benedict
Ramzi Almobayyed scores the round 10-9 Pope Benedict
Pope Benedict is breathing heavy. More of the black liquid can be seen oozing from his mouth. He unleashes one final attack, but the Abominable Snowman is just a little bit faster. He swats Pope Benedict across the face, knocking him down. The Snowman pounces on the fallen beast, and begins to tear him up. Referee Dan Miragliotta stops the fight at 4:20 of the third round.
Official result: Abominable Snowman by death/consumption
Jesus vs Abominable Snowman
The 2 finalists look into each other’s eyes, and both drop their guards. Neither seems to want to fight, and a warm fuzzy Christmas feeling falls over the entire venue.
A US Predator Drone Missile flies wildly off course and slams into the arena, blowing it to bits. Blood and carnage is everywhere. Santa is dead. Jesus gets the hell out of there. Mrs Claus mysteriously turns into an angel and floats away. Reindeer with broken and missing legs are all over the place. Santa’s Workshop, a few hundred meters away, is hit with only minimal debris and a few fires, yet somehow spontaneously collapses perfectly into its own footprint.
The 2012 CFC Tournament Champion remains uncrowned.
Tune in next year when competitors will include ‘Buddy’ from the movie ‘Elf’, Bruce Willis from the ‘Die Hard’ series, and Clark Griswold from ‘Christmas Vacation’.
Happy Holidays everyone!